Untold Stories - #1 The Cuntebago

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Title: Untold Stories - the Cuntebago
Author: gattodoro though much of the blame credit for the concept must go to silvan_lady
Featured Players: Orlando and Viggo get quite a few column inches. Sean keeps his end up, as does Karl. Ian, Bernard and the Hobbits have walk on parts.
Rating: R
Warning: The crackiest of  LOTR Crack!fic
Authors' Note: Loosely inspired by the Lord of the Rings Birthday Party articles in Empire magazine.

Article reproduced without the permission of the Mirkwood Times

Mirkwood Times (MT): Thank you for agreeing to talk to us today. I believe this is the first interview you have ever given, which is something of a coup for us.

Cuntebago(C-B): Not exactly the first. I did do a piece for Top Gear, but that wasn’t a good experience. I changed my agent immediately afterward.^*1

MT (Fawningly): Well you will find that the Mirkwood Times is rather more understanding, I hope.

C-B: Your Green Room is certainly superior. ^*2

MT: Thanks, I must say that it’s good of you to make the effort to come over to Erebor.

C-B: Not at all. After the infamous Queenstown incident I had four wheel-drive, power steering, rough-terrain tires and heated front seats fitted.^*3 And it is the 10^th Anniversary, there’s no telling if my rubber seals will make it to the 20^th, not after that early wear and tear.

MT: Some of the stories about the Fellowship during filming are pretty wild – are they exaggerated?

C-B: Not at all! (The Cuntebago is chuckling so hard at this point that his windscreen wipers come on.) In fact, NewLine had to employ a special PR department just to make sure that only the sanitised versions got out and they had their work cut out for them, I can tell you.

MT: A lot of time has passed since then, are there any particular incidents that you can shed a bit more light on for us?

C-B:  I’m not one to be indiscreet, ^*4 but my headlights have Xenon bulbs and are particularly illuminating, something that wasn’t lost on the Wizard.

MT (trying not to seem too keen): Really?

C-B: He may have been Gandalf the White onscreen, but I tell you there’s nothing pure about Sir Ian’s mind. Many was the time Viggo would entice Orlando out to look at the stars – all very innocently, I’m sure – but let me tell you that those gentlemen seemed exceptionally susceptible to something about New Zealand because more often than not they would feel the need to strip off in order to get closer to nature. That was generally when Ian would just happen by and just happen to turn on my lights, not that Viggo and Orlando seemed to notice: they were generally huddling together for warmth by then. It can get quite chilly at night you know, I don’t know why they didn’t just keep their clothes on.

MT (scribbling furiously): Quite. Did they take off their clothes a lot?

C-B: Oh, all the time, my dear. Indoors and out. Poor old Bernard Hill was always getting caught out.  My lock has been replaced since then, but in those days if you pushed on my door it would pop open and he’d stick his head in to see if anyone wanted to go for a beer and the next thing you’d hear was him shrieking (and he has a very girly shriek) “My eyes, my eyes.”  He really should have learnt to knock.  Sean (Bean) was much more sanguine about it; in fact he sometimes got naked too but only when they were inside. Those were the hardest nights for me. Goodness only knows what they were playing -  leapfrog, most likely – because my suspension always got a good work out. As for the stains on my upholstery; whisky, beer, make up, baby oil, spirit gum (I think it was spirit gum…) and other slippery substances – they were all par for the course.  Not that it was any better whenever the Hobbits decided they wanted to throw a party, all those horrible hairy feet trampling crisps into my carpets….  (The Cuntebago shudders, making his exhaust rattle). 

MT: It sounds as though you feel that your hospitality was being abused?

C-B (backing up): Oh no, not at all. It was just the exuberance of youth and too much smoking (and it wasn’t Longbottom Leaf, I can tell you). I was fond enough of our Frodo to give him one of my prized Cuntebago t-shirts.  In any case, Viggo and Orlando liked their own space so they kept the Hobbits away on the whole.

MT: Viggo has a reputation as something of a method actor; did that make him difficult to work with?

C-B: We all have our moments, dear. I did rather wish that he wouldn’t insist on carting that damned sword of his everywhere – that put a few extra dings in my paintwork – but the man is an Artist, with a capital A so you have to cut him some slack. He was very inclusive; I think I gave him some degree of inspiration and I was very pleased to form the centrepiece of one of his installations on the theme of how individual identity is subsumed to the whole.^.*5

MT (confused): Quite. And how was working with the lovely Orlando Bloom?  Obviously it was his first film, did that cause any awkwardness?

C-B: Oh no, he was such a sweet boy; he’d chat away to anyone. At the beginning of shooting he used to spend hours telling me how much he admired Viggo and his passion for his craft, amongst other qualities. I’m not entirely sure that I needed to know in quite such details what Orlando felt about Viggo’s pert posterior and I’m certainly not going to repeat it to you! He had a terrible time with his contact lenses, to judge by how much time he spent on his hands and knees; he must have been forever losing them and it seemed to happen more frequently as time went on. Viggo was ever so good about helping him look, though I’m not sure that leaning over him like that was the most efficient way.

MT: Would you say that ‘Lord of the Rings’ was the highlight of your career?

C-B (revving engine): The highlight so far, yes. I’ve worked on nearly all of Peter’s projects so far ^*6 and it has been fabulous, but all good things must come to an end. One always hopes that one might one day be a star and not just a supporting player – there are rumours  that  Disney are going to do   live action remakes of ‘Cars’, I think I’d be a perfect fit for Mater, that’s the tow-truck part.

MT (stifling a snigger): I’m sure that you’d be wonderful.

C-B (toots horn triumphantly): Thank You.

MT: But we are here to talk about the phenomenon that was ‘ Lord of the Rings’, so can I ask you if there is any truth in the talk of some quite intimate relationships being forged on set?

C-B: We were all very close, it was a bonding experience, everybody was keen to muck in and help in whatever way they could and there was a lot of sharing. Sir Ian was particularly generous in offering temporary accommodation to many different members of the crew.  Our Boromir was also quite gracious in that way. Viggo and Orlando were always keen to pair up, but to be honest, I’m not quite sure what you mean by ‘intimate’… (Reporter waggles eyebrows suggestively) Oh, I see, gosh. I’m not sure that anyone had time for that sort of thing (Reporter mentions that there were what seemed like, more than one hundred ‘production babies’ mentioned in the final credits). Umm yes, well I suppose there were  a few liaisons, during the breaks. I do remember having a marvellous time when a few of us went up to the Lakes to do some fishing. Viggo and Orlando were off doing their nude star-gazing thing of course, but a certain Rider of Rohan turned out to be a rather accomplished cock sucker, though not as good as the Elves. … You won’t print that, will you?

MT (sadly concluding that this won’t be news to the Mirkwood Times readership): Best not. Now, some of the cast have said that the Helm’s Deep scenes were the most challenging part of the shoot. Do you agree?

C-B: Absolutely. I was axle deep in mud and do you think anyone gave a thought to cleaning me? I don’t think my bumper has ever recovered. And those Orcs were a rough lot, but it was tough on everybody, even Orlando complained that he wasn’t getting any, though as I recall he had a few lines.^*7

MT: And what was the highlight for you?

CB: There were so many. I’m quite proud of my work in the ‘Mines of Moria’ although I’m unrecognisable under a ton of cladding. And one evening there was an outstandingly spectacular sunset; Viggo and Orlando climbed up on my roof to see it and they gave me a good polishing before they came down again. How many actors would do that? Happy days.

MT: Thank you for sharing these fresh insights with us.

The Cuntebago’s Autobiography “Vehicle for Creativity” is out in soft top now. Currently ‘resting’, he is available for private hire.

 

The Cuntebago - always ready to tour  ^*8

Editor’s notes*
1. Had the Cuntebago’s reps done their homework, they would have known that the show’s presenters have an antipathy towards caravans and any vehicle of that ilk, which extends to blowing them up. The BBC paid the Cuntebago an undisclosed sum for extensive smoke damage.
2. The interview is taking place at the newly opened Rivendell Services over a few gallons of Elf petrol.
3. The Queenstown incident may be infamous, but it has yet to be fully documented and it is uncertain if events will ever be fully explained. What those present DO agree on is that it started as a relatively innocent dare between Hobbits concerning their relative merits as oarsmen and expanded to include a highly competitive trio of Ranger, Elf and Steward. It took three days to winch the Cuntebago out from the Kawarau Gorge leaving plenty of time for bungee jumping.
4. That’s not what they say at the Otago ‘Bago and Tramping Club. Also note that the Cuntebago has been described by LOTR insiders as ‘a hive of subversive behaviour’
5. The Cuntebago is probably referring to Viggo’s habit of plastering his makeup mirror with snapshots. As the shoot progressed the area of visible mirror became almost unusable.  We didn’t like to tell the Cuntebago that even Viggo probably thought he was only doing this to make the place homely.
6. The director, Peter Jackson. The Cuntebago refused to comment about rumours that, being ignorant of the subject and having misread the title, he’d asked to audition for the lead role in Tintin.
7. We are pretty sure it wasn’t lack of lines he was complaining about.
8. Note photo is of the Cuntebago’s right profile - he was very insistent about that being his ‘best side’; we think he’s had some work done on his left panels...



There may be more of this series if our medication doesn't kick in.

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