slash_cave | The Teddy Bears Picnic

Title: The Teddy Bears Picnic
Authors:

silvan_lady
Cave Dwellers: Usual suspects will feature prominently... as always!
Rating: R
Warning: Crack!fic
Authors' Note: In which the denizens of the Slash Cave once more trample beloved childhood memories. Consider yourselves warned…

The Teddy Bears Picnic

“Hey everybody, wake up, it’s today!” cried Teddy Eric, or Big Ted as he was often known for reasons that may become apparent.

“Of course it’s today, it’s always today. If it wasn’t today it would be yesterday, or tomorrow. Or some other day entirely…” Viggo, the threadbare teddy trailed off as he lost his train of thought, as he was often prone to doing. He’d been much loved over the years, which was why his fur was wearing thin, but he’d also been bumped down the stairs upside down a few too many times so the stuffing had come loose in his head and his behaviour was unpredictable, to say the least, but entertaining for the other bears, who referred to him as ‘Old Bear’, but not in his hearing as they greatly appreciated his cooking.

“No,” said Teddy Eric patiently, “I mean that today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.”

“Oh hoo-bloody-ray, I’m so excited,” said Grizzly Sean morosely. They ignored him. Nobody could remember whether the epithet ‘Grizzly Bear’ applied because of the now grizzled nature of his fur, or because of his temperament the morning after the night before.

“There will be mead,” Eric pointed out, encouragingly. Sean huffed, but perked up somewhat.

“Picnic? Did somebody say picnic?” The mention of food was a guaranteed way to attract Orlando’s attention.

“Yes, but you’ll have to change out of that dressing gown.”

“But I like this dressing gown,” Orlando whined. He had become very attached to it on a photo shoot for Travelodge; it was his favourite lounging apparel.

“Yes, but you wouldn’t want it to get dirty, would you?” Eric was the voice of reason, except when somebody had used the last sheet of toilet roll.

“Oh no, does this mean I’m going to get leaves and twigs and dirt in my fur too? I’ve only just washed it!”

There was an outbreak of muffled sniggering, Orlando was known to be rather prissy, but it had to be said that the other bears did enjoy playing with his fur; it was so very soft, silky and luxuriant.

“We’ll take a travel rug”, promised Eric, “But if you decide to go paddling with Viggo, it’s your own lookout.” Orlando was the youngest of the bears and despite his vanity, he was also an adventurous type, which sometimes led him into trouble, though not as much as the long lost Little Ted, ginger-furred Daisy who was rather gender confused and who was assumed lost in Australia. His Cousin Hugh, otherwise known as SuperTed, who was rumoured to be part wolf due to his very long claws, had tried to track Daisy down, but had failed, possibly due to Hugh’s propensity to burst into song, or strip off his shirt every ten minutes. Hugh was very popular with the lady teddies … and with the boy teddies, too!

There was a ‘thunk’ to indicate that Karl had returned from his expedition to the kitchen for his morning honey. The sound was made by the handle of the teacup he was wearing as a makeshift helmet colliding with the doorjamb as he couldn’t see where he was going; he’d been reading their owner’s collection of Judge Dredd comic again.

“I’m thinking you are going to have to lose the tea cup, mate,” advised Eric, fondly.

“You what?” replied Karl. He couldn’t hear very well as the tea cup squished his lovely fuzzy ears something awful.

Sean reached over and roughly cuffed the back of Karl’s head, sending the offending chinaware flying, though fortunately it landed on the bed without breaking – there was nothing worse than crockery shards under paw.

“Ah, that’s better,” said Karl, flexing his shaggy eyebrows. “I need to rethink the whole headgear angle.”

“Yes Big Ted*, but maybe we can leave that until after the picnic?”

*Author's note: Yes Eric is known as Big Ted, but so is Karl, it’s all a matter of proportion and the other bears don’t find it confusing, possibly because Eric and Karl usually came as a pair (in several interpretations of that expression). They are certainly well-matched when it comes to ‘accidentally’ falling into a ‘69’ position when left unattended.

“Of course.” Karl jiggled with excitement. “What are we taking? Where are we going? Are we going to the woods? Please can we go to the woods?”

And we all know what bears do in the woods, don’t we children?

No, not that! Tsk! The ‘other’ thing that bears do…

Cuddly Bear was prepared to part with his dressing gown, but only on the assurance that he could wear the skateboarder outfit that had been delivered by Build-A-Bear on his birthday. It was just as well they now did mail order as Orlando’s adventures in Build-A-Bear had been severely curtailed since his last visit, as he’d come back with a nurse’s outfit and a great deal of extra stuffing. Unfortunately, he was so used to saying yes when asked if he wanted to be stuffed, he was the size of a small barrage balloon by the time he’d escaped.

The Pirate Bear in the window display had begged him to hurry back, but the other denizens of the Slash Cave had vetoed that immediately. They liked their Cuddly Orlando bear just as he was, which is to say they liked him well-stuffed, not over-stuffed.

“So what are we taking to eat?” asked Big Teddy Eric. He liked to get his priorities right.

Grizzly Bear looked at him witheringly. “Marmalade sandwiches, of course. What else?”

“And honey,” said a voice from the back. “We’re meant to eat honey too.”

“If you say so, Viggy Bear,” said Karl kindly. “We’ll find you some honey as well.”

“Rather drink it,” muttered Grizzly Bear but everyone ignored him as usual.

Now making marmalade sandwiches when you are a bear, especially a bare bear, poses several hazards of the sticky variety, but luckily - or was that lickily - the Slash cave bears were very used to dealing with sticky situations. Before long their battered leather suitcase What else? was packed and they were off, singing and skipping.

If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down to the woods today you'd better go in disguise!

For ev'ry bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

Ev'ry Teddy Bear who's been good is sure of a treat today.
There's lots of marvellous things in the woods, especially when you’re furry and gay!

Beneath the trees where nobody sees,
They'll screw around as long as they please
'Cause that's the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

See them gaily screw and fuck,
They love to ride and buck,
They never have any cares;
Come six o'clock the Slash Cave calls
Tidy up your furry balls,
Because they're tired little Teddy Bears.

If you go down to the woods today, you'd better not go alone!
It's lovely down in the woods today, take your camera phone!

For ev'ry bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.