Title: The Slash Cave Tour ~ Part 2
Authors: silvan_lady and gattodoro
Pairing: Slash Cave Regulars
Word Count: 1613
Note: Written for krazykitten46 to wish her a happy birthday from us!
Coming Attractions: -
The Slash Cave – South London’s newest cultural venue for persons of particular, refined tastes – is opening its doors for guided tours. Visits by appointment only. Not suitable for children or the easily offended. Sensible shoes and waterproofs advised due to uneven, slippery surfaces.
Bed, Breakfast and Bawdiness arrangements available for ‘Friends of the Slash Cave’.
The Tour ~ Part 2
Good morning and welcome to the Slash Cave – welcome back in some cases as I see more than a few familiar faces among you. Today, as the sun is shining for a change, our tour is going to commence in the garden. I bet that you didn’t know that we had a garden and believe me; no one was more surprised to discover that there was an exterior to the Slash Cave than Gatty.
We’ll start on the South facing terrace, which is miraculously positioned to catch both sunrise and sunset. Many a cup, or mug, of tea has been consumed here while appreciating the choice sight of Sean deadheading the roses in the nude – such enthusiasm (and such pretty pink floral Wellies)! You’ll note that the furniture is very robust; it has to be, as you can understand that a sunbathing Orlando - look, there he is! - is just begging to be jumped on and the residents of the Slash Cave aren’t known for their restraint. Speaking of whom, Hugh darling, we have guests, could you just wait a moment?
There is a loud crash, which is followed by a few muffled swear words and then, a few seconds later, some appreciative heavy breathing.
Oh dear, well never mind, I’m sure that we can fix the lounger. Again. Perhaps we had better move on...
Tour group stands transfixed.
...Or we can just linger here for a while if you prefer. I must admit that Hugh has quite the most exquisite torso and it certainly repays close scrutiny. You can imagine that it can be terribly distracting here when the weather is hot. One shirt comes off, then they all do and then ... Well, it is a competitive thing, I think, and none of the boys have any sense of modesty. Just as well that the garden isn’t overlooked.
Right, well. That was educational. Who knew that Orlando was that flexible? Or that strong? Perhaps we should just leave them to have a nap – Hugh can be a bit cranky when he is tired as you can see from the claw marks about the place. In any case, I’m sure that you will find the ‘Knot Garden’ quite fascinating.
I’m sorry my dear, did you have a question? *Points to elegant lady with binoculars*.
Oh yes, absolutely I agree that Gatty’s usual gardening style tends to be, ah, ‘relaxed’ to put it politely, but there is nothing formal about this knot garden. To be honest, there isn’t much garden either, just a patch of lawn and a few trees. And some rope. A lot of rope. A lot of rope that as a special treat for today’s tour has been entwined around Karl and Eric in interesting, and, very probably, quite painful ways. But don’t they look delicious? All that lovely naked flesh peeking out between the cords. Well done Viggo, artistic and useful!
Hmm, is it me, or is it getting hot? Time to go indoors.
So that you have a moment to ‘cool off’, I propose that we next visit the bathroom, which like the kitchen has been recently remodelled. It has also been enlarged and extensively waterproofed after complaints from the downstairs neighbours – the previous single tub really wasn’t big enough to accommodate two grown men let alone our boisterous boys. Although Viggo and Orlando lobbied hard for sumptuous Ottoman hammam style ceramics, the budget only ran to B&Q urban bland. Not that anyone comes in here to look at the tiles, you understand, anything would have done as long as it can easily be wiped clean. Admittedly, the floor is both cold and hard, but liberal distribution of fluffy towels overcomes that little problem and a good measure of the flooding the inevitably follows Orlando’s enthusiastic re-enactments of the naval battles in Pirates – well they are enthusiastic as long as the water stays warm. We have had to install an industrial sized boiler to cope with demand; my dears, the gas bill is horrendous.
You will observe that we have what looks like an excessive amount of cupboard space in here, but, my dear, the squabbles we have about shelf space! The hair product, the moisturisers, the lotions and potions, not to mention Sean’s eye shadow (for when he’s trying to get in touch with his feminine side) ... these men come better stocked than a mega-branch of Boots. I bet you are thinking that Captain Jack is the worst of them all, certainly the Brylcream is his, but he does have his own solutions to space constraints. Actually the biggest diva in the pampering stakes might surprise you, but believe me; Eric can exfoliate with the best of them.
And yes there are lots of sockets because when the scruff is upon them, everyone has to have their own pre-set beard trimmer plugged in and ready to go. Naturally Captain Jack uses a cut throat razor, but the others, well let’s just say the debate over what length suits them best is endless and can get quite heated at times. Heated is okay with us, of course, because once everyone is all fired up, and determined to prove their point, or several points, the resultant ... err... interactions can be rather spectacular.
We probably best not go into details of the time Orlando decided that Sean needed more than his beard trimmed. As Silv said, he might have got away with a quick trim while Sean was sleeping, but heart-shaped tufts on each side was a snip too far!
Let’s quickly pass through the lounge - yes, those are new beanbags, well spotted! - to the bedroom corridor, which those of you on the first tour missed out on because the door was locked. At the time we thought this was odd - our boys embrace exhibitionism and voyeurism in the most enthusiastic way - and that they must be ’UP-TO-SOMETHING’ and indeed, so it proved. I almost feel that we should have a drum roll here, because this is one of the highlights of the tour - behold our beloved, bespoke, behemoth of a Slash Bed!
Cue awestruck cooing from tour group.
Some of you may recognise the basic circular design from Karl and Eric’s boudoir in ‘Blue Moon’, but this is the new and improved model; 50% larger with an adamantium subframe (thank you Hugh) and much more stuffing - both in the mattress and on top, ho, ho… - and ScotchgardingTM throughout. The ceiling had to be reinforced for the hoist and pulley system, but it was worth the expense because it has many uses; it is particularly handy when they all pass out from a surfeit of pleasure and we have to rescue the bottom at the bottom of the pile - often, but, despite the rumours, not always Orlando - from being crushed.
Now if you care to look behind you and above, you'll see that Viggo brought along some bedroom accessories from 'Knock Three Times'. Yes, those are exact replicas of the mirror doors from the black and cream bedroom in his flat there. I do have to say that the other inhabitants of the Slash Cave were very relieved that he didn't bring along his musical collection too. There's quite enough of 'Orlando' here already without adding another one. There are rumours that the one we have has been learning a thing or two about temporal displacement from Captain Jack, or possibly The Doctor, as he seems to manage to be in everyone's bed at once!
Gatty: Some of our readers might be too young to remember that 'Knock Three Times' was sung by Tony Orlando and Dawn.
Silv: Very true and I should think the older ones are trying very hard to join them in blissful ignorance! Now, shhh! We need to let them get on with the tour before ‘she’ arrives!
The old bed, you may remember it as fur-strewn rocky platform with excessive amounts of padding, has been moved to the playroom, which is just a few steps further down the bedroom corridor. At least, it will be once we exit the bedroom.
Now, did I hear someone ask why do all these grown up boys need a playroom?
*Looks around hopefully then sighs* No, I don't suppose I did. You all look as if you know exactly why they need somewhere to… err, let off steam. Do watch the pirate print bean-bag as you leave, that's a special present for the Birthday Girl. It's very precisely positioned to allow optimum viewing of the bed and the mirrors. We think she'll appreciate it. Now, if you'd just move along… .
*A mobile phone starts to play 'The Bridge at Khazad Dum' and half of the assembled group dive into their handbags.* (The other half don't know how to customise their ring tone.)
Sorry ladies, I've just been told that the Birthday Girl has arrived and is on her way down and the boys will be coming shortly. At least, I think that's what it says. Drat this predictive text. That brings us to the end of today’s tour: if you could just exit via the Gift Shop - Blue pens are back in stock. Please don't test them until you get home. That causes incredible confusion, and we've still never found out who drew the private portal to the Ann Summers shop in Oxford Street, although I'm told it has been very well used and profits have increased exponentially since then.
Thank you so much for visiting us, and as we always say around here, come again soon!