Title: The Slash Cave Tour
Authors: silvan_lady and gattodoro
Pairing: Slash Cave Regulars
Word Count: 1685
Note: Silv takes the credit for the idea; Gatty takes the blame for any typos. We have created a monster.
Coming Attractions: - The Slash Cave – South London’s newest cultural venue for persons of particular, refined tastes – is opening its doors for guided tours. Visits by appointment only. Not suitable for children or the easily offended. Sensible shoes and waterproofs advised due to uneven, slippery surfaces.
Bed, Breakfast and Bawdiness arrangements available for ‘Friends of the Slash Cave’.
Hello and welcome to the Slash Cave, a proud purveyor of smut and innuendo and indeed, delighted to be a den of depravity. Do come in for ‘the tour’, just mind that you don’t trip on those carelessly discarded motorcycle helmets.
The first stop on our tour today is the entrance hall, which you will note is well furnished with sturdy coat hooks – it is astonishing how many uses they have quite apart from the storage of outerwear. May I draw your attention to Captain Jack’s trench coat – please don’t touch, it is an antique – and Sean’s Sheffield United scarf, which is coming slightly unravelled due to his habit of wringing it in his hands during times of football related stress; it is quite a wonder that it survived the 2012 play-off final at all. We’d buy Sean a new scarf, but apparently this one is his lucky talisman. We may need to work on his understanding of the word ‘lucky’ as it pertains to his beloved Blades.
The observant amongst you will notice that there is a sizeable dent on the wall at head height just inside the door and that the paintwork immediately below it has been worn somewhat thin. Dear Eric can be just a little impatient and he does have a habit of slamming poor Karl up against the wall for acts of gross indecency when he can’t wait to get to a softer surface. To give credit to Karl, he generally doesn’t complain, but he does moan a lot!
If you turn to your left you’ll find the kitchen which was extensively remodelled in 2012. Admittedly this was overdue, but we were rather forced into doing the work after Viggo’s experimental terracotta sculpture exploded in the oven. Don’t mind the soot stains on the ceiling; Eric is no longer allowed to use the toaster, or indeed any heat or light generating appliance without adult supervision. If you are feeling weary, please feel free to sit on the table, it has been sterilised this morning, as have the work surfaces that Orlando has been shagged on. Which is all of them. The table is very robust – it has to be – and quite forgiving of paint stains and other spilled liquids. We sand and re-varnish it frequently – nobody wants splinters in sensitive places, do they?
The frilly apron belongs to Sean, who is surprisingly domesticated if you can keep him away from the whisky. Orlando makes for an excellent galley slave – you’ll see that there is a spare set of shackles hanging from the door, though we have had to prohibit the preparation of food stuffs while in the nude after a rather close shave. This is not to say that appropriately (or should I say, inappropriately?) shaped fruit and vegetables aren’t put to non-culinary good uses. Likewise the chocolate sauce, whipped cream and honey, although the honey stays safely in the cupboard when Silv is in residence,
Note also the kettle and tea caddies. As I’m sure you all know, there is no Slash without tea, so this is a very important part of the Cave. Yes, the ‘builder’s bum’ is Sean’s (and we don’t just mean the tea!). Viggo has his own personal kettle in his studio, which is in the attic, as we grew rather tired of turpentine tainted tea and Gatty gets very upset if her Earl Grey is contaminated with Mate. Trust me; you don’t want to mess with Gatty or Silv if they haven't had their morning tea.
…. Now if you'd care to come this way, (Orlando has frequently), we will visit the main cavern. Please note the tasteful and very practical ceiling fans. There used to be chandeliers hanging in here but that proved to be far too tempting. Hugh's attempt to emulate Tarzan resulted in some serious damage. Not to mention the time Sean tried to impersonate Dave Kitson and missed the goal completely. As you'll realise this was entirely true to life, but didn't do the dangly bits any good at all. We were picking pieces of glass out of the bed furs for quite some time and Karl didn't get to wear his loincloth for weeks. Eric was most upset, and when Eric's upset it's a good idea to get out the way.
Indoor football was banned shortly afterwards when Sean lost three balls into Captain Jack's temporal anomaly and they re-appeared ten days later, singing sea shanties and disguised as Tribbles. No, we don't know what happened either.
Overall, fans are a better option, and we have persuaded Orlando not to put Sean's football scarves on the vanes and pretend it is maypole. Have you ever tried untangling six sweaty men tied up in a heap? It's quite a challenge, especially when they keep finding something new to play with and deciding that they don't want to be untied after all.
Please be careful and don't trip on the shag pile rugs. They are very useful when the slash cave occupants feel the urge for instant gratification and as Eric has remarked more than once, "What's the point of having shag pile if you don't use it for shagging?"
They also cover some very deep grooves in the floor. Hugh had no idea that his Wolverine talons would pop out like that at such an inopportune moment! It took three of them to detach him when he tried to retract!
You will, of course, have realised by now that the Slash Cave can out-Tardis the Tardis any day. What you see on the outside bears no resemblance to the interior at all. (We couldn't have fitted in the lube lorry if it did!) No one will say if this is a natural phenomenon or something Captain Jack had a hand in during a previous existence, and he's not telling. It has been said, however, on more than one occasion, that looking into where Jack's hands have been is not something for the faint-hearted anyway.
Now to one of the highlights of our tour, the infamous ‘Slash Sofa’. This is the sofa bed used by Princess Silv on her visit and the sofa itself is a very popular ‘recreational’ location for the boys. Sorry about the stains and the slightly lopsided stuffing, but I’m sure you can appreciate that it gets a lot of use. We are wondering if a new wipe down cover would suffice, or whether we need to invest in a whole new futon. The bolsters are still pretty firm though and very good for hip support – Sean and Viggo are a bit creaky in the joints these days you know – and the wooden frame at the back is just the right height for Karl to bend Eric over; it also has handy wooden slats for tying Orlando down when he’s being a bit frisky and feisty. Which is often. Oh, I really wouldn’t touch that, if I were you, who knows where it has been...
What’s that you ask? NO! Please don’t open that door. That’s Captain Jack’s secret stash and we really don’t want to have to retrieve you from another dimension, not after what happened the last time. And the hatch in the wall? Oh that’s just the dumb waiter from the Lube Cellar. We call it Astin.
I’m afraid that we won’t be able to visit the attic today – Viggo has locked himself in saying that the muse is upon him and he has the urge to (pro) create, which surely explains why Orlando has disappeared as well. Don’t be alarmed by any loud, rhythmic banging noises you might hear, or screaming for that matter – the dear boy does have a fine set of lungs on him.
To compensate, we will be taking you down to the basement later so you’ll be able to see for yourselves that we really do have more holes than Wookey, but first, a quick peek into the Guest bedroom – why look, its Bodie and Doyle 69’ing in a very, ahem, ‘Professional’ fashion. I didn’t know that BlueSkyDancers was in residence? I’ll just shut the door quickly, shall I? Bodie does get really very territorial and I’d hate for any of you to be ejected because you’d stared at Doyle’s butt for too long. Though it is a very nice arse, I think you’ll agree?
Now this way please. It’s important to take great care as you go down. At least, that’s what Orlando always says. If you’d just like to wait a moment, you will soon be in the most significant place in the cave.
At least you should be.
Frantic rattling and rustling.
Just give us a couple of moments please. Don’t mind the strange creaking noises; it’s the temperature you know. The hot springs - that’s the underground watery sort, not a description of the slash bed after Orlando’s had a pyjama party - are through here and they do sound very odd when under pressure. The eruptions in here are quite a sight you know, but unlike ‘Old Faithful’ the frequency can never be guaranteed.
More rattling, some cursing.
Ahem, we seem to have a small problem: the door to the bedroom corridor appears to be locked and our key is missing.
Ladies, and indeed, gentlemen if there are any, I’m afraid today’s tour will have to end here, but please keep your tickets and return for multiple experiences another time. Everyone is always welcome to come twice in the Slash cave, and they frequently do!
And that’s the end of our tour. Thank you so much for stopping by, please exit via the Gift Shop.
The management regrets that due to unprecedented demand we are out of stock of the infamous blue pens.