Slash Cave Tour ~ part 1 Happy Birthday [ profile] legolas_is_mine

Jun. 14th, 2013 12:05 pm
slash_cave: (Slash_cave)
[personal profile] slash_cave

Title: The Slash Cave Tour
Authors[ profile] silvan_lady and [ profile] gattodoro
Rating: R
Pairing: Slash Cave Regulars
Word Count: 1685
Note: Silv takes the credit for the idea; Gatty takes the blame for any typos. We have created a monster.
Coming Attractions: - The Slash Cave – South London’s newest cultural venue for persons of particular, refined tastes – is opening its doors for guided tours. Visits by appointment only. Not suitable for children or the easily offended. Sensible shoes and waterproofs advised due to uneven, slippery surfaces.

Bed, Breakfast and Bawdiness arrangements available for ‘Friends of the Slash Cave’.

Hello and welcome to the Slash Cave, a proud purveyor of smut and innuendo and indeed, delighted to be a den of depravity. Do come in for ‘the tour’, just mind that you don’t trip on those carelessly discarded motorcycle helmets.

The first stop on our tour today is the entrance hall, which you will note is well furnished with sturdy coat hooks – it is astonishing how many uses they have quite apart from the storage of outerwear. May I draw your attention to Captain Jack’s trench coat – please don’t touch, it is an antique – and Sean’s Sheffield United scarf, which is coming slightly unravelled due to his habit of wringing it in his hands during times of football related stress; it is quite a wonder that it survived the 2012 play-off final at all. We’d buy Sean a new scarf, but apparently this one is his lucky talisman. We may need to work on his understanding of the word ‘lucky’ as it pertains to his beloved Blades.

The observant amongst you will notice that there is a sizeable dent on the wall at head height just inside the door and that the paintwork immediately below it has been worn somewhat thin. Dear Eric can be just a little impatient and he does have a habit of slamming poor Karl up against the wall for acts of gross indecency when he can’t wait to get to a softer surface. To give credit to Karl, he generally doesn’t complain, but he does moan a lot!

If you turn to your left you’ll find the kitchen which was extensively remodelled in 2012. Admittedly this was overdue, but we were rather forced into doing the work after Viggo’s experimental terracotta sculpture exploded in the oven.  Don’t mind the soot stains on the ceiling; Eric is no longer allowed to use the toaster, or indeed any heat or light generating appliance without adult supervision. If you are feeling weary, please feel free to sit on the table, it has been sterilised this morning, as have the work surfaces that Orlando has been shagged on. Which is all of them. The table is very robust – it has to be – and quite forgiving of paint stains and other spilled liquids. We sand and re-varnish it frequently – nobody wants splinters in sensitive places, do they?

The frilly apron belongs to Sean, who is surprisingly domesticated if you can keep him away from the whisky. Orlando makes for an excellent galley slave – you’ll see that there is a spare set of shackles hanging from the door, though we have had to prohibit the preparation of food stuffs while in the nude after a rather close shave. This is not to say that appropriately (or should I say, inappropriately?) shaped fruit and vegetables aren’t put to non-culinary good uses. Likewise the chocolate sauce, whipped cream and honey, although the honey stays safely in the cupboard when Silv is in residence,

Note also the kettle and tea caddies. As I’m sure you all know, there is no Slash without tea, so this is a very important part of the Cave. Yes, the ‘builder’s bum’ is Sean’s (and we don’t just mean the tea!). Viggo has his own personal kettle in his studio, which is in the attic, as we grew rather tired of turpentine tainted tea and Gatty gets very upset if her Earl Grey is contaminated with Mate. Trust me; you don’t want to mess with Gatty or Silv if they haven't had their morning tea.

…. Now if you'd care to come this way, (Orlando has frequently), we will visit the main cavern.  Please note the tasteful and very practical ceiling fans.  There used to be chandeliers hanging in here but that proved to be far too tempting.  Hugh's attempt to emulate Tarzan resulted in some serious damage.  Not to mention the time Sean tried to impersonate Dave Kitson and missed the goal completely. As you'll realise this was entirely true to life, but didn't do the dangly bits any good at all.  We were picking pieces of glass out of the bed furs for quite some time and Karl didn't get to wear his loincloth for weeks. Eric was most upset, and when Eric's upset it's a good idea to get out the way.

Indoor football was banned shortly afterwards when Sean lost three balls into Captain Jack's temporal anomaly and they re-appeared ten days later, singing sea shanties and disguised as Tribbles.  No, we don't know what happened either.

Overall, fans are a better option, and we have persuaded Orlando not to put Sean's football scarves on the vanes and pretend it is maypole.  Have you ever tried untangling six sweaty men tied up in a heap?  It's quite a challenge, especially when they keep finding something new to play with and deciding that they don't want to be untied after all.

Please be careful and don't trip on the shag pile rugs. They are very useful when the slash cave occupants feel the urge for instant gratification and as Eric has remarked more than once, "What's the point of having shag pile if you don't use it for shagging?" 

They also cover some very deep grooves in the floor.  Hugh had no idea that his Wolverine talons would pop out like that at such an inopportune moment!  It took three of them to detach him when he tried to retract!

You will, of course, have realised by now that the Slash Cave can out-Tardis the Tardis any day. What you see on the outside bears no resemblance to the interior at all.  (We couldn't have fitted in the lube lorry if it did!)  No one will say if this is a natural phenomenon or something Captain Jack had a hand in during a previous existence, and he's not telling.  It has been said, however, on more than one occasion, that looking into where Jack's hands have been is not something for the faint-hearted anyway.

Now to one of the highlights of our tour, the infamous ‘Slash Sofa’.  This is the sofa bed used by Princess Silv on her visit and the sofa itself is a very popular ‘recreational’ location for the boys.  Sorry about the stains and the slightly lopsided stuffing, but I’m sure you can appreciate that it gets a lot of use.  We are wondering if a new wipe down cover would suffice, or whether we need to invest in a whole new futon. The bolsters are still pretty firm though and very good for hip support – Sean and Viggo are a bit creaky in the joints these days you know – and the wooden frame at the back is just the right height for Karl to bend Eric over; it also has handy wooden slats for tying Orlando down when he’s being a bit frisky and feisty. Which is often. Oh, I really wouldn’t touch that, if I were you, who knows where it has been...

What’s that you ask? NO! Please don’t open that door. That’s Captain Jack’s secret stash and we really don’t want to have to retrieve you from another dimension, not after what happened the last time.  And the hatch in the wall? Oh that’s just the dumb waiter from the Lube Cellar. We call it Astin.

I’m afraid that we won’t be able to visit the attic today – Viggo has locked himself in saying that the muse is upon him and he has the urge to (pro) create, which surely explains why Orlando has disappeared as well. Don’t be alarmed by any loud, rhythmic banging noises you might hear, or screaming for that matter – the dear boy does have a fine set of lungs on him.

To compensate, we will be taking you down to the basement later so you’ll be able to see for yourselves that we really do have more holes than Wookey, but first, a quick peek into the Guest bedroom – why look, its Bodie and Doyle 69’ing in a very, ahem, ‘Professional’ fashion. I didn’t know that BlueSkyDancers was in residence? I’ll just shut the door quickly, shall I? Bodie does get really very territorial and I’d hate for any of you to be ejected because you’d stared at Doyle’s butt for too long. Though it is a very nice arse, I think you’ll agree?

Now this way please. It’s important to take great care as you  go down.  At least, that’s what Orlando always says.  If you’d just like to wait a moment, you will soon be in the most significant place in the cave. 

At least you should be.

Frantic rattling and rustling.

Just give us a couple of moments please. Don’t mind the strange creaking noises; it’s the temperature you know. The hot springs - that’s the underground watery sort, not a description of the slash bed after Orlando’s had a pyjama party - are through here and they do sound very odd when under pressure.  The eruptions in here are quite a sight you know, but unlike ‘Old Faithful’ the frequency can never be guaranteed.

More rattling, some cursing.

Ahem, we seem to have a small problem: the door to the bedroom corridor appears to be locked and our key is missing.

Ladies, and indeed, gentlemen if there are any, I’m afraid today’s tour will have to end here, but please keep your tickets and return for multiple experiences another time.  Everyone is always welcome to come twice in the Slash cave, and they frequently do! … And that’s the end of our tour. Thank you so much for stopping by, please exit via the Gift Shop.

The management regrets that due to unprecedented demand we are out of stock of the infamous blue pens.

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Part 2

Date: 2013-06-14 01:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I didn't know there could be so many 'double entendres' in anything. It's smirk smirk sporfle chortle smirk grin for every word and bracketed comment

And the awful thing is I do hope NO serious tourist or Grand House Guide will read this - (no you norty girls!!!) because from then on thier guiding lectures will be spasmodically interspersed with snorts, giggles and face-palmings. Cos If I'd read that when I was a guide at Longleat... it would have SLAIN me! I'd have been sacked instead of ripping off the poor suckers rather well.

I shall keep my ticket for a return visit, hoping that the Muse has left and the basement bedroom door is unlocked but CLOSED with noises behind!

Bodie and Doyle... oh teehee.. oh yesssss And did Starsky and Hutch ever stay in the Cave?

I've sent to Amazon to deliver a flat bed of blue pens!!! FOC!

And Happy Happy Birthday to Legolas-is-mine!

Here he is for you!

Have a wonderful Birthday and if this is anything to go by, the fic I mean, then it will be superb!!!! with love.
Edited Date: 2013-06-14 01:45 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-06-14 07:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Nommie, thank you :)

Date: 2013-08-13 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I blame the delivery of blue pens for our tardiness in replying to your comment. You really shouldn't encourage us - frankly we don't need any encouragement to be bawdy!
Edited Date: 2013-08-13 09:43 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-08-14 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Teehee... I've just used my ticket again! Oh dear me, I'd love to see Sean in his scarf and frilly apron... and just those two items. Heh heh.. I love being rotten and making him look silly. Ho Hum.

So glad the blue pens arrived. I do hope they 'come in handy' as Orlando would say...

Does Viggo need any more moisturiser for his pubes (OH GOD... that word and 'Viggo Mortensen' in the same breath ... hahahah oh dear.)

Thanks again for an early morning tour... I shall have to wait now before shopping, I shall be a danger on the roads as my mind will be disconcerting me with pictures... the back of the lopsided sofa... shackles in the KITCHEN?? oh dear. thanks so MUCH you wicked wonderful women.

Date: 2013-06-14 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I always loved to visit the cave though I've never received such an extensive tour. Very enlightening and aided in a more then a few interesting daydreams. I was wondering what the boys have done with the beanbags? I do hope that if they were sacrificed it was for a worthy purpose.

I'm hanging on to my ticket because I'm coming back. Thank you.
Edited Date: 2013-06-14 03:27 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-08-13 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The beanbags were removed to the playroom, that's down the corridor past the bedroom!

If we ever get through that door I'm sure you'll see what the boys did with them (and so will we!) Where is that damned key...

Date: 2013-06-14 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sporfl, grin, sputter and lmao*

That was the best tour I've ever been on and not only because of the return ticket!

Date: 2013-08-13 09:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. We do hope you 'come' again *G*

Date: 2013-06-14 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much for welcoming us to your gracious abode.

I look forward to further explorations at a more opportune time (like once you've found those damned keys!)

Date: 2013-08-13 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Indeed, it was our pleasure to show you round.

(Yes, we want to know who has them as well, we're blaming Captain Jack...)

Date: 2013-06-14 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*giggles* This was amazing.

It's so nice to find out all the ins and outs of the Slash Cave (and to see the craziness awesomeness of your brains ;))

I love my birthday pressie, thank you :D

Edited to fix HTML!
Edited Date: 2013-06-14 07:14 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-08-13 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I see that we are 2 months late in responding to comments. Ah well, Happy 1/6th birthday *G*!

Date: 2013-06-14 07:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, Bodie and Doyle - consummate professionals but yes Bodie can be extremely territorial. I'd leave them alone for a bit longer... :)

Date: 2013-08-13 09:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*nods* I've seen what can happen when they get annoyed...

A warning notice on the door might be appropriate I think!

Date: 2013-06-14 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Dear Hosts

Having read more than a few stories set in the Slash Cave, but never having entered its hallowed portals previously, it was a tremendous honour to be among the first to pass through the infamous celebrated halls.

I can see that all our tastes are catered for here – the sport lover, the foodie, the pyromaniac, the connoisseur of tea & other edibles, and the purely pervy voyeuristic – can all find immense pleasure gratification satisfaction in knowing that all surfaces are not only being put to their intended use, but have become the subject of delicious experimentation – as befits a community of mature adult grown up men.

Much hilarity ensued, particularly thinking on lucky scarves, creative uses for toasters, builder’s bum, the dumb waiter and the shag pile.

The pièce de résistance, of course, was the desecrated revered Slash Sofa, and although you advised against it, I couldn’t help myself touching that particular stain corner where I could just make out the imprint of a . . . well, I’ll let that appear in a future episode!

And there was also the unlooked for, yet delightful revelation that Law Enforcement Officers, Time Travellers and Comic Book Heroes have been allowed to mingle with the original inhabitants of the Cave! And by scheming authors happy accident, it seems that all cave dwellers have instantly become sexually attracted inseparable in their admiration of each other.

Long may it continue and my thanks again for the educational instructive enlightening tour of one of the country’s most sought-after residences.

Yours most enthusiastically,


Date: 2013-08-13 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The quality and content of your comment indicates that you are a woman of refined tastes; you are most welcome to visit the Slash Cave at any time. And should you wish to assist in documenting the shenanigans you encounter, we'd be delighted.

And I know what you mean about the stain. It has defeated any amount of 1001 stain remover! I told Viggo that Bramble Jelly wasn't a personal lubricant.

Date: 2013-08-13 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"...1001 stain remover!"

*giggle* - now that's showing your age!!!

Date: 2013-06-14 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
what a great honor, to be allowed entrance to the infamous slash cave!!

I'll be sure to come back many times..

Date: 2013-08-13 09:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm sure you will be a very welcome visitor :) They boys do like to show off now and again!
Edited Date: 2013-08-13 09:42 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-06-15 09:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What a wonderful venue and such very knowledgeable tour guides *g*
I would certainly love to come again (just like everyone else).
And I was thinking that future visitors might like to see some actual re-enactments, a very popular feature of other country house tours. Knowing how much of an exhibitionist Orlando is I'm sure he'd be only too happy to contribute.

Date: 2013-08-13 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh yes, the Tour Guides know far too much, but our lips are sealed ... mostly.

Not sure the soft furnishings can take too many re-enactments though, especially not the 'Bean on toast' incident when Eric found the gas torch in the plumbing box and accidentally set fire to Sean's football boots.

Date: 2013-06-16 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I want to know where to get tickets for the next cave tour LOL ! The Slashy Cave sounds it.

Date: 2013-08-13 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Tickets are available at regular intervals, or as regular as you can expect when you let Captain Jack handle the bookings. We don't mind him popping in and out but he always seems to disappear to some other galaxy just when he's wanted!

Date: 2013-06-18 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
tour of the cave,i hope there will be more,loved it.

Date: 2013-08-13 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Tours are rather irregular, but will be well advertised whenever we can get our act together.

Date: 2013-06-24 03:34 pm (UTC)
nverland: (Default)
From: [personal profile] nverland
I love you two. This was a perfect start to my Monday

Date: 2013-08-13 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*loves you right back*

Sorry for the late reply, we've been a tad busy with those bothersome work and RL things.

Date: 2016-03-06 10:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'd book a tour of the cave any time! (And come again, and again, and again - OBVIOUSLY!)

So many double meanings and innuedos at one single place - I'm delighted! The perfect story for accompanying my morning coffee ;)
Edited Date: 2016-03-06 10:52 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-03-06 06:28 pm (UTC)
ext_59472: (SC Silvan Lady)
From: [identity profile]
The slash cave occupants would be delighted to welcome you at any time!

Date: 2016-03-07 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


Awwwww I'm honoured! (And will pop around, that's for sure ;) )

Date: 2016-03-06 06:29 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
We will, of course, be happy to receive you on any of our tours. Perhaps we should add a coffee shop to the Slash Cave so we can attempt a few more cliches in our summer season?
Edited Date: 2016-03-06 06:34 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-03-07 12:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't think you can go wrong with a coffee shop - ever! Maybe even add a little bakery... specialising on fairy cakes? Oh, I think that could be a huge success!
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