Looloo’s Café for [livejournal.com profile] bluegerl

Dec. 16th, 2016 07:58 am
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Title: Looloo’s Café
Authors : [livejournal.com profile] gattodoro and [livejournal.com profile] silvan_lady
Rating: R veering towards NC17 if you have an overactive imagination
Pairing: too many to mention - depending on your interpretation
Word Count: 1194
Disclaimer: As ever, if you believe anything in the slash_cave is real, then you are crazier than us, and that’s saying something!
Author’s note: Written - if that’s the right word - in honour of [livejournal.com profile] bluegerl on the occasion of her birthday, with some ‘help’ from the usual suspects. Inspired by a real café in Putney (picture credit Mr Gatty).


Meanwhile underground, the boys are getting bored,
The blue pen has dried up, they have been ignored.
Sean is getting grumpy, Orlando feels neglected.
After all this time, his pout is quite perfected.
"We need to wake them up," he gazes at the ceiling.
"I'm sure it isn't me, I'm amazingly appealing!"


Oh no, not the pout! Oh alright then…



Once upon a time two deranged charming ladies took it upon themselves to create a sanctuary for the distressed but discerning slasher (i.e. themselves and their friends) and so the Slash Cave came into being… and there has been a lot of coming ever since!

Since Silv and Gatty like to share their toys boys they welcome visitors and, as some of you will know, even open up, like Orlando’s thighs, for group visits, but it has become apparent that the pressure of numbers is simply too much for the Slash Cave catering facilities to handle without a drop in satisfaction levels (especially Sean’s). Obviously this simply will NOT do so there was much relief all round (thank you Hugh, impressive projection but was that really necessary?) at the opening of a partner establishment. We are delighted to bring you - drum roll, please - Looloo’s Café, which is run with a very firm hand and a stiff whip whisk by the eponymous Madame Looloo.

Obviously Looloo wouldn’t have been enticed away from her nunnery – and her delicious French men – without due compensation, but her terms were very reasonable. Viggo doesn’t bat an eyelid at being asked to read poetry while déshabillé (business as usual, some would say) though Sean did utter a few unmanly shrieks when the fox tail butt plug was once more brought into play (she really should have learned by now to warm it up first!). Equally obviously, Looloo has very particular requirements of her staff; fortunately she didn’t have to look further than the Slash Cave to find the perfect personnel.

Our boys were very excited by the opportunity for extracurricular activities - they do like to come out - and there was much discussion about the design of a staff uniform, though thus far it has not been possible to reach agreement, except about what is definitely NOT suitable - leather trousers, Sheffield United football shirts and French Maid outfits being among the rejects, though Viggo is convinced that still he has the legs for a mini-skirt. Clothes though, as Looloo sagely pointed out, were the least of her concern since they usually get taken off quite quickly if something ‘pops up’.

We expect that some of you will visit Looloo’s Café just to check out the scenery, but we think that you’ll like her Menu, especially the specials which include: -


  • Beanie’s Breakfast Blow Out - Fried eggs, bacon, black pudding, beans and fried bread with side order of Henderson’s Relish (you can take the boy out of Yorkshire, but…)

  • The Viggo Continental - flaky Danish pastries , Spanish churros and cinnamon buns (an eclectic international melange, as you’d expect)

  • Orlando’s Sunshine State - dark coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice and a pain au chocolat (The popular suggestion for Orlando’s ‘signature dish’ was eggs over easy, but when sexual favours were withdrawn a hasty compromise was reached.)

  • Bana’s Delight – crème brûlée (You should see him with the blowtorch. His first thought was bombe Alaska, but he was very disappointed to discover that it doesn’t actually explode; though he likes the flames, obviously)

  • The Urban Delicacy– That Kiwi classic, Sausage Sizzle (with Hokey Pokey for dessert if Eric is good)

  • Jackman’s Juicy Joy – Blueberry Pancakes (because Hugh is a well-practised tosser)

  • Poldark’s Pleasure - Cream tea Cornish style (jam on first - on Aidan, that is)



The regular sweets and cakes menu is a thing of beauty thanks to Looloo’s wise division of labour.

Orlando is responsible for the fairy cakes for afternoon tea. He complained about type-casting but got very little sympathy. After all, as Sean pointed out with a saucy wiggle of the Sacred Arse, “They gave me rock-hard buns, if that’s not type-casting, gawd knows what is!”

Viggo was responsible for the spotted dick, not because he was a dab hand at classic English puddings but because he’d been (a) semi-naked as usual and (b) waving his paint brush around. Orlando insisted he wasn't going near anything with that much pink oxide on it, and later swore the stains on his lips were a result of testing the virulent fuchsia icing he was piping. That is a funny looking Fondant Fancy!

Karl, Eric and Hugh are best known for their Anzac biscuits - Sean says this is because they are sticky and simple and you can read what you want into that pronouncement. Eric is, however, justly proud of his chocolate eclair - a good length, well filled with cream and with a slightly bitter finish.

Aidan has proven to have a very deft touch in the bread baking department; you’ll be impressed by the spring in his crumpets and the rigidity of his grissini. Sadly Bodie and Doyle, far from being Professionals, are disasters in the kitchen, but that’s okay. What better use for a beaten up Ford Capri than as a delivery vehicle, though one has to question Doyle’s choice of route as it seems to take them an excessive amount of time to get back from the customer. Whatever could they be doing?

But enough of this blather. What’s that saying? - Oh yes, from bad to verse…. (Brace yourselves)

Looloo is our great chatelaine
A quite resplendent creature
Mistress of both pleasure and pain;
There’s nothing we can teach her.

Orlando is your waiter
He just exists to serve
A great facilitator
For those who like to perve

Limber, lithe and fair of face
He’s intimate with every table
He spreads joy about the place
And is ready, keen and able.

Beanie’s kept behind the bar
Specifically for Looloo’s pleasure
More mileage than a vintage car
Built not for speed, but for leisure.

Viggo wafts about the joint
Searching for his muse
Orlando doesn’t disappoint
With a blow job in the loos.

Our Antipodean threesome
Are a raunchy, rowdy bunch
Their antics will please some
Who visit for a bawdy lunch.

Eric has a way with flames
Karl likes to play with knives
Hugh thinks up sexy games
Let others lead boring lives!

Our Irish rascal Aidan
Has certain Gaelic charms,
Abdominals to play on
And nicely muscled arms.

Captain Jack is rarely seen
Manual labour’s not his style
He appreciates the cuisine
But it's fucking makes him smile

The table tops are wipe clean,
Stools and chairs are sturdy,
We’re sticklers for hygiene
Though the boys get down and dirty.

What romps they have behind the scenes
And when the blinds come down.
Our domesticated sex machines’
Erotic culinary playground.

Do pop in for a drink
Coffee, soda or a Scotch?
Feel your server, if that’s your kink
Or maybe just sit and drool and watch.

We know the cafe isn’t perfect,
For us no Michelin star.
But to hell with being circumspect
And pass the cookie jar!



Thank you for dropping by - we’ll go and take our medication now.
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