Title: Our Favourite Toy Boys
Authors: silvan_lady and gattodoro
Pairing: Slash Cave Regulars
Word Count: 2032
Warning: The usual - expect craziness and blue pen so stay away from hot liquids, sharp objects etc while reading.
Many discerning people have been in contact with us to ask when the Slash Cave will next be open for tours. Fear not dear readers, the
rutting visiting season will soon be upon us and the inhabitants have been diligently preparing for their drooling adoring public.
The wielders of the blue pen have spent a productive winter contemplating improvements to the Cave and the tour. (Okay, mostly we’ve been contemplating naked men’s bums – purely for research you understand, but occasionally our minds wander – as do our hands!) Ideas have been mooted for a theme park style attraction (and who wouldn’t want to have a ride on our ‘Big Dicker’?) but that’s on hold pending planning permission for our massive erection (stop sniggering!), so instead we have been working on improving our gift shop offering and even branching out into male order. Yes that spelling is intentional; you should know us by now!
So what new delights do we have on offer this year? Read on
depraved and perverted gentle reader as we explore the strange world of our newest business proposition (and there will be lots of lewd propositions if we have our way) – Slash Cave Sex Toys and Homewares Ltd …
To accommodate our industry, we’ve had to expand the Slash Cave and we have a brand new basement area encompassing R&D, manufacturing, warehousing, packaging, production studio and our call (boy) centre. We are very pleased with it; the people who used to live in the flat downstairs less so, but one cannot stand in the way of pervy progress. Our MD (Mistress of Domination) Silv has her own office of course, otherwise we have our own variant of a ‘hot desk’ policy, as in, if there is a desk, bend a hot man over it. It isn’t great for productivity, but the views are fabulous!
All of the usual suspects have been pressed into service according to their skills, attitude and willingness to bribe the wielders of the blue pen. Naturally this means that Orlando, who as we know is very serviceable, is our chief product tester. Some may say, with considerable justification, that he is also our #1 toy but, unfortunately, even with the ‘Locker of Licentiousness’ running at full capacity, we can’t meet customer demand so those of you hoping to take home your very own Orlando toy will have to make do with a blow up doll and a meerkat in bondage gear. (If you're not British you probably won’t understand that reference, don’t worry about it, you aren’t missing much.)
Sean may be a Northern Bastard ™, but he also has the Voice of Sex ™ so he is the perfect person to do the voice over on our DVD presentations. This generally works well as he has a good eye for detail and plenty of experience with flat pack furniture (insert tab A into slot B…). Where problems arise, it is usually because he’s trying to watch football at the same time, and, multi-tasking isn’t really his thing. Fortunately we have our Quality Controller Richard on hand to spot and overdub any inappropriate exclamations of ‘get in!’ or ‘put yer foot through it!’ (though sometimes they work as they are, such as his instructions for making half-time tea - ‘give it a good squeeze!’).
Richard does rather have his work cut out as our product development team are very creative and easily distracted. It probably wasn’t wise to put Eric and Karl in charge of R&D, but one can’t fault their enthusiasm and once they grasped that any device that might actually cause physical damage to our customers (or their property) was not going to be approved they have (mostly) managed to separate their private fascination with flames, loud bangs and sharp blades from their creative endeavours though it took some time to convince them that orgasm triggered pyrotechnics lacked subtlety and practicality. One can almost see their point - ‘he saw stars’ being something of a slash cliché - but the bang attracted unwanted attention from the anti-terrorist squad and burned a hole in Gatty’s favourite rug (on the floor above!).
Credit where credit is due, once we can get them to focus, Eric is extremely good working out mechanical details and Karl is good with the finer (or should that be blunter?) points so we do have quite a few interesting products rolling off the factory floor - sometimes literally in the case of the vibrating egg/ egg timer from our bedroom/kitchen range. The actual fabrication of prototypes is supposed to be a team effort, but is largely left to Luke because, as Gatty said, some bugger has to do it and he’s a more practiced bugger than most (allegedly: Slash Cave legal advisor). Also he is more patient than many of our boys, though it can be all hands to the (penis) pumps when demand is high. Full scale manufacturing isn’t very sexy so is subcontracted to Dwarves - they are particularly good with metal; egg frying rings/cock rings, nipple clamps/tea bag squeezers, you name it they can hammer it out.
Not that any new product gets approval until it has been tested to destruction by/on/in Orlando, Silv and Gatty have approved the aesthetic effects and everyone else has vouched that the product in question produces the desired results. The remote control ‘rimming’ butt plug / USB memory stick was a particular bone of contention as there was disagreement as to the optimum tongue length / oscillation speed. This was eventually resolved when everyone had experienced Orlando’s superior technique, which meant that during final testing he had the unusual experience of licking his own perineum but without risking vertebral compression.
Alert readers will have noted the ‘Homewares’ part of our business name and also that the products mentioned thus far are dual purpose. We are targeting a niche (crack, crevice, hole, cleft, cranny, split, chasm, chink … murmurs Gatty, reading from the well-thumbed Slash Thesaurus ) market for discerning customers who are burdened with Real Lives and families and hence prefer discreet sex toys that won’t scare the cleaning lady/vicar/postman/ teenage child if they are accidentally left out.
Silicon kitchen utensils are very popular - you see a spatula, we see a spanker because we are pervy like that! Hopefully we don’t need to explain the benefits of having a glass rolling pin, though do be careful not to drop it - glass slivers are a real mood killer - and make sure to clean it thoroughly before use unless you like having a floury ring. Look closely at the chocolate moulds - we think you’ll be amused (or possibly horrified), ditto for the icing set.
We anticipate that the ceiling mounted laundry rack will be a best seller; simply winch it down to hip height, strap on your Twink of choice (and strap on your strap on, if you are so inclined) and you are all set for fun, frolics and flogging. Silv recommends her patented, battery powered, rotary ‘feather duster’ for those hard to reach spots (and a spot of tickle torture).
Note: Please be very careful with the bird feeder/male chastity device as it may crush fat balls.
We have been very pleased with the reaction to our ‘sink plunger’ aka jack socket/dildo combo. The dildo is modelled on Hugh (yes, he is a well-endowed chap) and has a hidden lube reservoir. It also features at the core of our kitchen towel dispenser - a popular package that makes users hot and sticky and then helps them clean up afterwards. Soft, strong and very, very long indeed! (Hugh, by the way, is currently employed in the mail room - his Wolverine claws are very handy for slicing packing tape).
We are rather cross with Karl at the moment, because he didn’t properly explain the testing process of the matching “His and His penis-shaped salt and pepper vibrators” to Orlando. The ‘easy to remove’ pepper pod should have been pulled out before the batteries were inserted, but it wasn’t, and now the poor boy has been sneezing rings around himself for hours.
Viggo did suggest that a good blow would get rid of it, and we think Orlando would agree but he couldn’t actually stop sneezing and sit still long enough to find out. Luckily Sean remembered Silv’s rotary duster and after several minutes of dexterous application in Orlando’s important little places, he finally stopped sneezing, although we think the Slash Cave floor is not the most comfortable place to roll around, holding your sides and crossing your legs. Poor boy looked quite exhausted so we suggested that he went to bed. He agreed, naturally. When does Orlando ever disagree with going to bed in the Slash Cave? He was slightly put out when we pointed out that everyone was busy and we meant alone. In a smart move, and to avoid the dreaded Orlando pout and - heaven forbid - puppy dog eyes, Gatty promoted him to catalogue layout editor and asked Aidan to model the dual purpose luggage strap/bondage gear for his opinion. It seemed that Orlando was still keen to participate in the product testing as he was soon investigating how quickly the buckles, clips and carabiners could be unfastened and refastened in various aesthetically pleasing positions.
We think the end results would satisfy the TSA so that’s an added advantage for the jet-setter who wants to take their sex toys on holiday without raising the eyebrows of the authorities. (TSA does, of course, mean Tested Sex Appliance and not Transportation Security Administration in this case. Keep that in mind next time someone asks if your locking device is TSA approved!)
One of Gatty’s favourite products is the ‘Squee-G”, a cunning combination of a blade for window cleaning and G-spot/prostate stimulator. This stems in part from fond memories of the product photoshoot which featured a shirtless Aidan on a ladder with a chamois leather dangling jauntily from the back pocket of his pleasingly snug jeans. Viggo (our art director) was determined to get Aidan in a pleasing position, which eventually meant him stretching to the point that he was completely defenceless against any perfidious pervy person (i.e. the authors) wanting to play with his pert posterior. Once Viggo had the brilliant idea of introducing Orlando, a bucket of water and a telescopic pole (or rather Pole; his name was Jared) to the scene, it very quickly got wet and wild in the best possible way. Happy days.
Another popular cleaning product is our “Super Shaft” with interchangeable heads - broom, brush, scrubber, flogger and paddle. We can truly say that it beats, as it sweeps, as HE screams.
We do understand that not all of our customers will be able to make the trip to Slash Towers, hence the aformentioned catalogue (which we think you’ll find satisfying in itself) and our internet/phone ordering facility. Some of you may even prefer to order by phone as you are likely to get
off on through to our latest recruit, Tom Hiddleston. That’s if he isn’t’ tied up’ with Bluegerl; Tom is dedicated to ‘customer fulfilment’. You can also call on the support of our highly experienced advice team, ably led by Sir Ian: we’ll just eavesdrop for a moment...
‘I’m afraid I wouldn’t know if our “Fetish Fleshlight” feels like a real vagina, and frankly I don’t WANT to know, but I can assure you that it is highly reminiscent of the splendidly tight arsehole of a Stage Manager at the RSC I shagged in 1974, and I can think of no higher recommendation...”
Well you wouldn’t get that from Amazon, would you!
We’ll conclude our tour at the doors to dispatch for your own safety. We still aren’t convinced that giving roller skates to the stock-picking Hobbits has really added to their efficiency, but we had to do something to help them outrun the delivery Nazgûl. They are so much cheaper than UPS, you understand, but extremely challenging to manage even for us (no living men we) and our (specially imported) Westernesse blue pen.