slash_cave: (Slash_cave)
[personal profile] slash_cave

Title: Our Favourite Toy Boys
Authors[ profile] silvan_lady and [ profile] gattodoro
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Slash Cave Regulars
Word Count: 2032
Warning: The usual - expect craziness and blue pen so stay away from hot liquids, sharp objects etc while reading.

Many discerning people have been in contact with us to ask when the Slash Cave will next be open for tours. Fear not dear readers, the rutting visiting season will soon be upon us and the inhabitants have been diligently preparing for their drooling adoring public.

The wielders of the blue pen have spent a productive winter contemplating improvements to the Cave and the tour. (Okay, mostly we’ve been contemplating naked men’s bums – purely for research you understand, but occasionally our minds wander – as do our hands!) Ideas have been mooted for a theme park style attraction (and who wouldn’t want to have a ride on our ‘Big Dicker’?) but that’s on hold pending planning permission for our massive erection (stop sniggering!), so instead we have been working on improving our gift shop offering and even branching out into male order. Yes that spelling is intentional; you should know us by now!

So what new delights do we have on offer this year?   Read on depraved and perverted gentle reader as we explore the strange world of our newest business proposition (and there will be lots of lewd propositions if we have our way) – Slash Cave Sex Toys and Homewares Ltd …

To accommodate our industry, we’ve had to expand the Slash Cave and we have a brand new basement area encompassing R&D, manufacturing, warehousing, packaging, production studio and our call (boy) centre.  We are very pleased with it; the people who used to live in the flat downstairs less so, but one cannot stand in the way of pervy progress. Our MD (Mistress of Domination) Silv has her own office of course, otherwise we have our own variant of a ‘hot desk’ policy, as in, if there is a desk, bend a hot man over it. It isn’t great for productivity, but the views are fabulous!

All of the usual suspects have been pressed into service according to their skills, attitude and willingness to bribe the wielders of the blue pen.  Naturally this means that Orlando, who as we know is very serviceable, is our chief product tester.  Some may say, with considerable justification, that he is also our #1 toy but, unfortunately, even with the ‘Locker of Licentiousness’ running at full capacity, we can’t meet customer demand so those of you hoping to take home  your very own Orlando toy will have to make do with a blow up doll and a meerkat in bondage gear. (If you're not British you probably won’t understand that reference, don’t worry about it, you aren’t missing much.)

Sean may be a Northern Bastard ™, but he also has the Voice of Sex ™ so he is the perfect person to do the voice over on our DVD presentations. This generally works well as he has a good eye for detail and plenty of experience with flat pack furniture (insert tab A into slot B…). Where problems arise, it is usually because he’s trying to watch football at the same time, and, multi-tasking isn’t really his thing. Fortunately we have our Quality Controller Richard on hand to spot and overdub any inappropriate exclamations of ‘get in!’ or ‘put yer foot through it!’ (though sometimes they work as they are, such as his instructions for making half-time tea - ‘give it a good squeeze!’).

Richard does rather have his work cut out as our product development team are very creative and easily distracted.  It probably wasn’t wise to put Eric and Karl in charge of R&D, but one can’t fault their enthusiasm and once they grasped that any device that might actually cause physical damage to our customers (or their property) was not going to be approved they have (mostly) managed to separate their private fascination with flames, loud bangs and sharp blades from their creative endeavours though it took some time to convince them that orgasm triggered pyrotechnics lacked subtlety and practicality. One can almost see their point - ‘he saw stars’ being something of a slash cliché - but the bang attracted unwanted attention from the anti-terrorist squad and burned a hole in Gatty’s favourite rug (on the floor above!).

Credit where credit is due, once we can get them to focus, Eric is extremely good working out mechanical details and Karl is good with the finer (or should that be blunter?) points so we do have quite a few interesting products rolling off the factory floor - sometimes literally in the case of the vibrating egg/ egg timer from our bedroom/kitchen range. The actual fabrication of prototypes is supposed to be a team effort, but is largely left to Luke because, as Gatty said, some bugger has to do it and he’s a more practiced bugger than most (allegedly: Slash Cave legal advisor).  Also he is more patient than many of our boys, though it can be all hands to the (penis) pumps when demand is high. Full scale manufacturing isn’t very sexy so is  subcontracted to Dwarves  - they are particularly good with metal;  egg frying rings/cock rings, nipple clamps/tea bag squeezers, you name it they can hammer it out.

Not that any new product gets approval until it has been tested to destruction by/on/in Orlando, Silv and Gatty have approved the aesthetic effects and everyone else has vouched that the product in question produces the desired results. The remote control ‘rimming’ butt plug / USB memory stick was a particular bone of contention as there was disagreement as to the optimum tongue length / oscillation speed. This was eventually resolved when everyone had experienced Orlando’s superior technique, which meant that during final testing he had the unusual experience of licking his own perineum but without risking vertebral compression.

Alert readers will have noted the ‘Homewares’ part of our business name and also that the products mentioned thus far are dual purpose. We are targeting a niche (crack, crevice, hole, cleft, cranny, split, chasm, chink … murmurs Gatty, reading from the  well-thumbed Slash Thesaurus ) market for discerning customers who are burdened with Real Lives and families and hence prefer discreet sex toys that won’t scare the cleaning lady/vicar/postman/ teenage child if they are accidentally left out.
Silicon kitchen utensils are very popular - you see a spatula, we see a spanker because we are pervy like that! Hopefully we don’t need to explain the benefits of having a glass rolling pin, though do be careful not to drop it - glass slivers are a real mood killer - and make sure to clean it thoroughly before use unless you like having a floury ring. Look closely at the chocolate moulds - we think you’ll be amused (or possibly horrified), ditto for the icing set.

We anticipate that the ceiling mounted laundry rack will be a best seller; simply winch it down to hip height, strap on your Twink of choice (and strap on your strap on, if you are so inclined) and you are all set for fun, frolics and flogging. Silv recommends her patented, battery powered, rotary ‘feather duster’ for those hard to reach spots (and a spot of tickle torture).

Note: Please be very careful with the bird feeder/male chastity device as it may crush fat balls.

We have been very pleased with the reaction to our ‘sink plunger’ aka jack socket/dildo combo. The dildo is modelled on Hugh (yes, he is a well-endowed chap) and has a hidden lube reservoir. It also features at the core of our kitchen towel dispenser - a popular package that makes users hot and sticky and then helps them clean up afterwards. Soft, strong and very, very long indeed!  (Hugh, by the way, is currently employed in the mail room - his Wolverine claws are very handy for slicing packing tape).

We are rather cross with Karl at the moment, because he didn’t properly explain the testing process of the matching “His and His penis-shaped salt and pepper vibrators” to Orlando.    The ‘easy to remove’ pepper pod should have been pulled out before the batteries were inserted, but it wasn’t, and now the poor boy has been sneezing rings around himself for hours. 

Viggo did suggest that a good blow would get rid of it, and we think Orlando would agree but he couldn’t actually stop sneezing and sit still long enough to find out.   Luckily Sean remembered Silv’s rotary duster and after several minutes of dexterous application in Orlando’s important little places, he finally stopped sneezing, although we think the Slash Cave floor is not the most comfortable place to roll around, holding your sides and crossing your legs.  Poor boy looked quite exhausted so we suggested that he went to bed. He agreed, naturally.  When does Orlando ever disagree with going to bed in the Slash Cave?  He was slightly put out when we pointed out that everyone was busy and we meant alone.   In a smart move, and to avoid the dreaded Orlando pout and - heaven forbid - puppy dog eyes, Gatty promoted him to catalogue layout editor and asked Aidan to model the dual purpose luggage strap/bondage gear for his opinion.  It seemed that Orlando was still keen to participate in the product testing as he was soon investigating how quickly the buckles, clips and carabiners could be unfastened and refastened in various aesthetically pleasing positions.  

We think the end results would satisfy the TSA so that’s an added advantage for the jet-setter who wants to take their sex toys on holiday without raising the eyebrows of the authorities.  (TSA does, of course, mean Tested Sex Appliance and not Transportation Security Administration in this case.   Keep that in mind next time someone asks if your locking device is TSA approved!)

One of Gatty’s favourite products is the ‘Squee-G”, a cunning combination of a blade for window cleaning and G-spot/prostate stimulator. This stems in part from fond memories of the product photoshoot which featured a shirtless Aidan on a ladder with a chamois leather dangling jauntily from the back pocket of his pleasingly snug jeans. Viggo (our art director) was determined to get Aidan in a pleasing position, which eventually meant him stretching to the  point that he was completely defenceless against any perfidious pervy person (i.e. the authors) wanting to play with his pert posterior. Once Viggo had the brilliant idea of introducing Orlando, a bucket of water and a telescopic pole (or rather Pole; his name was Jared) to the scene, it very quickly got wet and wild in the best possible way. Happy days.

Another popular cleaning product is our “Super Shaft” with interchangeable heads - broom, brush, scrubber, flogger and paddle. We can truly say that it beats, as it sweeps, as HE screams.

We do understand that not all of our customers will be able to make the trip to Slash Towers, hence the aformentioned catalogue (which we think you’ll find satisfying in itself) and our internet/phone ordering facility. Some of you may even prefer to order by phone as you are likely to get off on through to our latest recruit, Tom Hiddleston. That’s if he isn’t’ tied up’ with Bluegerl; Tom is dedicated to ‘customer fulfilment’. You can also call on the support of our highly experienced advice team, ably led by Sir Ian: we’ll just eavesdrop for a moment...

 ‘I’m afraid I wouldn’t know if our “Fetish Fleshlight” feels like a real vagina, and frankly I don’t WANT to know, but I can assure you that it is highly reminiscent of the splendidly tight arsehole of a Stage Manager at the RSC I shagged in 1974, and I can think of no higher recommendation...”

Well you wouldn’t get that from Amazon, would you!

We’ll conclude our tour at the doors to dispatch for your own safety. We still aren’t convinced that giving roller skates to the stock-picking Hobbits has really added to their efficiency, but we had to do something to help them outrun the delivery Nazgûl. They are so much cheaper than UPS, you understand, but extremely challenging to manage even for us (no living men we) and our (specially imported) Westernesse blue pen.

That’s all for this update from the Slash Cave - please ‘come’ again soon!

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Date: 2016-03-24 02:47 pm (UTC)
nverland: (VO2)
From: [personal profile] nverland
Brilliant products!

Date: 2016-07-15 04:24 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you - and apologies for being so slow to respond, we've been working on product development ;-)

Date: 2016-03-24 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Please send me a catalogue now!! *grin*

”…pending planning permission for our massive erection (stop sniggering!)” Ha ha, I hear that every day . . .

”…as in, if there is a desk, bend a hot man over it.” . . . Silv will never be able to work without that distraction in her mind, now!

The only thing is, how do you expect me ever to look at a spatula or fat balls seriously ever again???!!!

What a great Easter pick-me-up! Everyone perfectly matched to their jobs!

Date: 2016-07-15 04:29 pm (UTC)
ext_59472: (SC Silvan Lady)
From: [identity profile]
Just waiting for the re-print - the first batch disappeared very quickly.

I should think your daily life is full of erections, with or without hot desks!

Sorry for the late reply, we are hard to pin down ... unless there is a hot man involved!

Date: 2016-03-24 07:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ladies: I discover my head in front of you. Thank you very much. Martha

Date: 2016-07-15 04:26 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
That's nice to know - if only I had been more prompt about saying so (sorry for the delay)

Date: 2016-03-25 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

So very glad you posted the warning. I'm getting fed up with cleaning tea off my screen.

Date: 2016-07-15 04:34 pm (UTC)
ext_59472: (SC Silvan Lady)
From: [identity profile]
Personally, we find waterproof keyboards are a great invention - tea AND drool proof!

Perhaps the boys need a sideline in slash proof I.T. equipment!

(Sorry for the late response - we are very naughty and we know it! 😉 )

Date: 2016-03-25 11:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think I want to lie down and die. My ribs hurt so much, and I'm out of breath, and my face has cracked in half... and my ears ACHE cos my mouthgrin wants to go behind them!

Seriously. Oh gawd, A goes into B... Immediate mind-pics of Bean and... oh dear me.
And all that new kitchen gear...tho I do have the plastic spanker/bowl scraper, (as He screams...aahhh) teehee and the odd rolling pin (wooden, with china handle! move over Hiddles! heheh) and oh gawd, the floor cleaners... oh gawd.

And A MEERKAT IN BONDAGE GEAR ---- BWaaahahahhahah. Oh shite. I've just peed myself laughing!

Luggage straps.. aaahhh Aidan being aaah..oh gawwwwwdddddd.

Oh you wicked wicked totally batty crazy PERVERTED mindTWISTED Fetishfull couple of - well... women! Witches I would say. THese poor people. Oh and Orlando aaah oh GAWD pepperpots... (I've two little chaps who cuddle each other, so sweet! but not ...of the size Orlando would approve!)(And HE MANAGED TO RIM him without ...? gawd, oh dear me. I'm crying with laughter and all I can see is filthy funny hilarious pics of these guys occupying this warehouse wearing just seethrough aprons as they fulfill customers' orders... Beany insisting on his special Teabag squeezer..hahahah oh HElllllp....

I LOVE YOU TWO... I DIDN'T KNOW my corruption course could be further improved, and if only I had a blow up Orlando to practise on (or a real life... ANY bloke!) I'd get my Master's degree in Perversion with no problem.

I DO LOVE YOU... I've had a f'g horrible day getting rid of a publicity virus and LJ is INTENT on putting up a hideous blue half-screen on my journal... so to read my LOVELY LOVELY wonderful Slashcave... I shall give up Amazon now... and come to you for shopping... do you do Bluetooths??? hahaha (oh geeze... )

And dear dear Ian... reminiscing...aahhh I CAN JUST SEE HIM with that look in his eye and the twinkle.....

Can I stop laughing please.... I'm weeping, hiccuping, hurting from laughing.

And Its the FINAL episode of HIDDLES ON SUNDAY!!!!!

OOOOoohhh I shall have to see that High Rise film that's just being trailed!!! heheheheheh
Edited Date: 2016-03-25 11:47 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-07-15 04:29 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
I apologise for taking so long to respond, but that product testing doesn't do itself you know *winks*

Now that you are back on two feet, perhaps you can help with our marketing?

Date: 2016-07-16 07:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Heheheheh For You - I'll do any sort of 'marketing' as long as it is in the blue corner of a special Cave!!! (i.e. slashy, funny, involving lots of double entendres and clearly gorgeously never-ageing sexy MEN...who are always randy and UP for it.

"OH lord grant me just ONE in real life????? before I die cos it's going to be a while before I get to hell.... Gatty and Silv have a bit more educating of me to do!"

Oh yersss.. to the BEACH where there ARE nearly naked men to perve!

Date: 2016-03-25 04:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
loved it, i want a catalogue.

Date: 2016-07-15 04:36 pm (UTC)
ext_59472: (SC Silvan Lady)
From: [identity profile]
Excellent - we'll put one in the post or should we send by personal courier? 😏

Date: 2016-03-25 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Brilliant! *lol*

Date: 2016-07-15 04:30 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
Glad you think so - we've been snowed under with 'orders', hence it has taken so long to reply *G*

Date: 2016-03-27 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is beyond wicked
And sooooo much fun!
Would that one could actually purchase these boys... I mean these things *g*

Date: 2016-07-15 04:41 pm (UTC)
ext_59472: (SC Silvan Lady)
From: [identity profile]
Well if they were for sale I would have ordered a few for this weekend!

We might get lonely and/or need some inspiration, and failing all else, we'd have someone to drive us to the pub!

Date: 2016-03-30 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I really ought to try some of those out, and I will definitely call the support!! :p

Date: 2016-07-15 04:32 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Slash Cave Gattodoro)
From: [identity profile]
Ciao, it is rare that calling support is a good thing, but in this case... (though response times are slow - sorry about that!)
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